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Figuring It All Out

No Worries

5/23/06 01:30 am

Your Kissing Purity Score: 17% Pure

For you, it's all kiss and no talk.

You're in a permanent lip lock.
Kissing Purity Test

i guess this is a good thing?

i relaized today that i have yet to do all of those interviews, so if you still want one, send me a line. bc i should have time this weekend.

prac. tomorrow. got to get tix. there feels like there is this thing sitting on teh bottome of my stomach just laughing at me. i can't shake it, but sometimes it stays and sometimes it goes. its not that i am leaving, its not that my clases hate me, its not that i'm sick. i just.... don't quite know what's going on.

and speaking of what's going on.... my summer is kind of in the air right now. my contact at the wetlands has yet to reply, so currently it looks like i am going to be spending the summer on teh beach with my grandfather, waiting for them to call me. and then there is the other problem, which has yet to resolve itself. this particular issue could ruin or create my perfect summer, and i really hope the choice goes my way. maybe the weight on my stomach is from that. but i don't know why i would let it affect me this much.

and this past weekend was pretty good. went to boston to see my family (all of my mom's side) and enjoy time off from school. didn't really study for the midterm (this morn') but i think that went alright too. its funny. i DON'T drink at school, and i don't really ever drink with my family, but this weekend, i dunno, i think it was just comfortable. its not like i got drunk, i just drank with my da and it was oddly good.

this coming weekend should be pretty interesting. i don't yet know what it will entail, but i am sure that frisbee/party (or both) will factor into my plans.

oh and i got this great passive aggressive email today that made me laugh for twenty minutes straight. it made my day.

but i think the topic of the email will haunt me for a few months... unless that choice falls in place.

i got nothin else.

5/15/06 10:03 pm

Maybe the reason someone's stuck in your head is because they're meant to be there in the first place. (thank you anne)

god dammit. i don't know where to go from here.

i sit here and i take it, because i don't have any power to stop what i know is wrong, and meanwhile i am considered demonic, because they speak of me as though it was all my fault. as if she didn't return it. as if teh second time didn't happen. as if the emotions were only there on my side, and not surging through teh other one. like my actions are far worse because i had the balls to do it first. why is taht? how can someone do that to you? how can someone speak of love and hatred and then just dissolve it all without even thinking?

and now what? do i go back to before? i can't. it just isn't possible. there are too many factors messing with my head for that to happen. its not like we didn't know what we were doing. and now i know what teh consequences are, but you know what? i would have done it again. and again. and again. but teh worst part is that it doesn't matter. i can sit here all day saying what i would do... but ... ah! it wouldn't matter.

teh part taht really pisses me off, is taht she wanted to go. (youwannago?) you could see it in her eyes. even when the other one came back and we were surrounded by people, it was like she just wanted to get out of there. what a slap in the face.

ah... and what exactly do i do about her here. i don't have an excuse, i knew what i was doing. and i knew what would open after i did it but i am still left with teh fact taht i have two lives. one here and one there.its not a bad thing, because we were never together here, but i can sense what she wants, and i don't know how to get there with this problem looming over my head. the only known thing with her is this summer. (not gonna happen)

and then tehre's my classes. oh god. i just need something to be normal for once this year. even the summer's gonna be weird. and what the hell am i gonna do with her this summer? we'll be around each other. its not like we won't see each other. and then when teh next school year comes around? o shit. together? away? turkey-drop? come-on, somebody, somewhere give me a sign.

26 days. its possible right? everything always works out in the end.


oh so pickup today. excellent, i had these two phenomenal catches where i basically slid halfway down teh field to catch the disappearing disc. oh am i gonna be sore. but its the good kind of sore. its the kind that you feel good about later. the team is going to nationals, so they are gonna pick up the practices, so most of us aren't going to practice this week >vehro wants it to be only people going, which sucks. because i work my ass off at practice, but whatever, i'll just go to teh gym for those two hours and work it.

also, my nerves are shot. i don't mean my nerves as in my stress level is high, i mean that my left arm has not stopped shaking for the past three days. i don't really know what to do.

its like this weekend just shot me out of a cannon to face the bubble and i came back squished and confused and distraught. and ya know what it doesn't matter. it'll get there in teh end.


5/12/06 01:07 am

hmmm. gonna be at westtown this weekend. i am not sure what this will entail... but somehow it should be fun.

girl issue is better than it has been, and calc is looking up.
and those posts should be coming sometime this weekend or maybe monday.


5/4/06 03:29 pm

ok so tehre are like seven of you who want interviewed and i have a midterm to study for (why did i decide to post all this now?) anyways so i am not ignoring you but after doing one i realized hopw long this will take me. so the interviews are coming just not today

5/3/06 04:27 pm - time wasters!

1. I'll respond with something random about you
2. I'll tell you what first came to mind when I thought of you
3. I'll tell you something I like about you
4. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you
5. I'll tell you some words that describe you
6. If I do this for you, you must post this on yours...

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions of a very intimate and creepily personal nature. Or not so creepy/personal.
3. You WILL update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
1) what do you think of your parents?

honestly? i adore my parents. they have their quirks and their minor issues, but in general we get along really well and they are always there for me. i think that because i was an only and wanted to go to boarding school they felt like they were losing me, so they tried to be a present force in my life (even if it made my day-to-day life crazy). i have always had a good relationship with my dad and my mom and i argue a lot, but that's just because she doesn't want me to make brain dead choices (and i want to make brain dead-choices). so in general: pretty good.

2) Do you wish you had had siblings?

some days yes and some days no. i have become really good at entertaining myself when i am alone and really good at getting my work done alone. so on the days when i have to sit in a church and do my work i am happy that i am an only. but i always had everything when i was a kid (no other place to put teh money/time) so i kinda feel like i am over indulged, so it would have been nice to have a ... limit... i suppose. also, my mom is extra extrovert and my dad is extra introvert, so i kinda got both in me, and i think it would have been nice to have another person to talk to to work out my "shyness." but i was lucky, because my mom tried to have another child when i was like three and the baby didn't live, so my mom got scared and stopped trying, which is one reason why she doesn't want to lose me. but when i was real young, my parents were foster parents, because they still wanted to be a presence in more children's lives. so yeah i don't know if i answered ther question or not...

3) Is it frivolous to spend over 50,000 on a really nice car? Would you do it anyway?

yeah it is. i just want something that gets me from a to b. and if its one of those vw buses with space in teh back that would be excellent.

4) If there was a draft and I wanted to get pregnant to stay out of it, would you be my sperm donor?

well teh obvious answer is yes. but you don't really need to worry anyways... because you can't really run, can you?

5) In your facebook profile, it says you are starting life on a new foot. What do you mean?

i wrote that after kristin and i broke up. the different foot is basically being single, because i had been with someone for so long, that i basically thought i had to start over (which is a lie) but i did have to rethink my whole image of teh world and teh people in it.
(but even if i say i am starting anew... i am still making the same mistakes taht i made at westtown). that and i really wanted to fix all the issues with my senior year(westtown) in my freshman year (chicago) and i think that i have.

what are you doing this summer? wanna visit me/ be visited?
i am going to try to work at the wetlands again this summer and spend as much time with my extended family (especially my grandfather) this summer. i really want to spend time with my grandfather, because it is looking like we are going to move to illinois in the coming months and i don't really know how long my grandfather is going to live, so i really want to spend as much time as possible with him, in case he dies when our family is away. (sigh... this was teh first time i had actually thought that through and wrote about it)
also i am going to start training to be on teh frisbee team next year. (i am really slow (not long distance... but its a lot of springting), i have no endurance, and i have yet to throw a really good forehand, but i am on teh team and am going to practices now.)

goddamn freaking letter M:

This is how it works: Comment on this entry and I will give you a letter. Write ten words beginning with that letter in your journal, including an explanation what the word means to you and why, and then pass out letters to those who want to play along.

and my letter is M

1) Music. I have started listening to all these crazy bands because of pandora.com i really like listening to random music that i have no idea where it came from.

2) Magnesium: I just came out of a lab quiz where i fucked up teh first trial and then slammed back and got it teh second time, and magnesium was my major problem. I wanted something to dissolve and it didn't and so i guessed it was magnesium, but apparently i didn't shake it enough...

3) Minnesota: I used to live there, and i miss a lot of things from the state, including the 10,000 lakes and the houses that we lived in... but i am really thinking about Minnesota because we are moving (to Illinois) and what really started the whole process was my dad

4) moonlighting in Minnesota.

5) Miss: I missed the my target a few times in teh game taht we played for our house on monday need to fix that... Also I have recently started to miss all of my old class at westtown. i don't know why, just something about this week has triggered old memories (fortunately i should be seeing some people next week at alumni day.)

6) Mortimer: My one and only imaginaryt friend when i was young.

7) Madness: I am halfway through my sixth week this quarter (out of 11) and i am starting to feel the madness seep in. (SO much work, that i should be doing).

8) Money: i am broke but i think i like it that way

9) midnite dominoes: my new favorite thing to do and avoid sleep. we (sb, sh, myself and whoever we cajoe into playing) and then we play for a few hours until we pass out. i really like playing and talking and just relaxing in the room and just chillin.

10) mom: my mom is actually coming to visit me this week. which is pretty cool, we'll go out and relax and i won't work and it will be good.

so that's all teh energy i have


4/26/06 01:53 am

okay so tamar yours is coming next.

I HAVE STREP!!!! yay! yay for penicillin!
other than that... i am dandy!

let's see:

1. I died:
2. I kissed you:
3. I lived next door to you:
4. I started smoking:
5. I stole something:
6. I was hospitalized:
7. I ran away from home:
8. I got into a fight and you weren't there:
9. I cheated on you:

9. Personality:
10. Eyes:
11. Hair:
12. Lips:
13. Family:

13. Be my one and only?
14. Cuddle with me?
15. Hold my hand?
16. Take a bullet for me?
17. Call me everyday?
18. Love me?
19. Date me?

20. Lied to me?
21. Wanted to kiss me?
22. Wanted to kill me?
23. Broke my heart?
24. Cheated on me?
25. Kept something important from me?

And More
26.How close am i to you?
27. Who are you?
28. Are we friends or more then just friends?
29. If we dated how long do u think we would date for?
30. When and how did we meet?
31. Describe me in one word:
32. What was your first impression of me?
33. Do you still think that way about me now?
34. What reminds you of me?
35. If you could give me anything what would it be?
36. If you could do anything with me what would it be?
37. How well do you know me?
38. When's the last time you saw me?
39. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
40. What would be your reaction if I made the first move?
41. Are you gonna repost this so i can fill it out for u?


4/19/06 11:56 am

have you ever felt like teh world is actively working against you? i don't honestly believe this is true, but it feels like all this year, i have goteen this close (puts thumb and pointer milimeters from each other) to actually finding something that might possibly theoretically could conceivably might just maybe work in my love/sex life (and by that i mean is functional, doesn't have to be a relationship, just functional) and then just when i think it could go the way i planned i get thrown a curve ball and am back on square one. its kinda becoming a curse. and the real funny part is that i still haven't gotten one straight reason that follows me, its always different. i guess i am learning more about real world relationships, but at uchicago, they almost seem more fake than anything else i have seen. like if you actually work at it, it fails, but if you get drunk off your ass and you do something you regret later, it actually works. pity i don't drink huh? i think the only true lamentable thing is that i have fallen into these i haven't actively pursued, but when i do actively pursue, i have failed. i don't really know why i am writing this, but it feels like i should or maybe just because i don't have anything else to say here.

frisbee is going well. i feel like every day i come home tired and hungry and sore and happy. and i eat dinner with them and go off to study and then play bones in SB's room and then get limited sleep and then do it all again. the classes are almost secondary, even though they take up most of my time. (midterm tomorrow, gonna fail) (but the weird thing about, here - uchicago - is that if you fail (like get a 60) you are actually doing quiet well, it puts things in an awkward perspective) katy comes today? tomorrow? have to call her, maybe she would want to go to beer die? i think she might enjoy that. oh and i figured out my fucking chem lab. which makes me extremely happy. (at least i did in theory, we'll see later today...)
1,2,3,4,5 yeah that's everything new and interesting.
no worries

(oh one mor ething. shoreland was playing dorm wide assasins and i got through three days, before the man shot me in the back a foot and a half froma safe zone. i am so pissed. oh but he is screwed; my target surrounds hiomself with twenty people whenever he comes outside...)

4/13/06 07:48 pm

so i reallllllllly like spring.

and i had an excellent day yesterday. it involved girl as things usually do, and about four hours of nothing to do. oh yeah.

frisbee was so dejected today. the team didn't get to regionals, so very few people came to practice, which on teh one hand is sad and bad, on the other hand is pretty good for me because jesus dan helped me out a bit and the guys all shared little tips, i think its funny, but after this one practice, i got like ten times better. crzzy

so spring is good, girls are good and frisbee is good (for me). homework? huh, haven't done that in a while. midterm tomorrow. but i will probably just end up playing bones (dominos, fo unedumacated) with SB and shane.


4/3/06 10:00 pm

so i found this great band on pandora today. downloaded some of their stuff off of itunes.
what a cool band. they play mostly rock witha bit of soul and bit of funk and a bit of folk and a little twang mixed in. i like it a lot.

got into another play. so that's good.
am figuring out my schedule (had to drop rise of left wing gov'ts in latin america. made me very sad)
the female sitch is the same as it ever was. but is looking up.
and my bad decisions are slowly winding down.

i am officially an addict to csi. we have downloaded about twenty episodes and that is all we did over teh weekend. homework? no.

o and an addict to candy coated chocalate eggs. so good.

o and the other addiction called today. while i was out. i dunno. we'll see, so far i haven't bitten in.

frisbee is looking up. i did some work with jeff and meredith the other day and now am sore and can almost throw forehand pretty good. but i still need to work on endurance/sprints and plays before i can even think about doing this seriously.

so lets see what peeps think:

Dear elijiah,

I have always wanted to____________you.

You have a cute____________.

You make me _____________.

You should _____________.

Someday I will ____________.

You + me=______________.

If I saw you now I'd ________________.

I would build a _____________ just for you.

I would get your name tattooed on my ___________.

If I could sing you any song it would be ____________.

We could __________ under the stars.

My love for you is like that of ___________.


(P.S. ______________.)


peace&love&happiness&thunderstorms&springrainshowersthatiwouldlovetogostreakingin&crazinessinchicago&mofro&calc(boo!hiss)&ritsukos' email&hope

3/26/06 05:08 pm

You Are A: Puppy!

puppy dogBeloved by all, puppies are energetic, playful, and loving. Your playful and friendly nature is part of what makes you a puppy. Known for their loyalty, puppies make great pets for young and old alike. And an innocent puppy face can melt anyone's heart!

You were almost a: Duck or a Bear Cub
You are least like a: Groundhog or a ChipmunkWhat Cute Animal Are You?

yay boredom!

You scored as Gunshot. Your death will be by gunshot, probably because you are some important person or whatever. Possibly a sniper, nice, quick, clean shot to the head. Just beautiful.












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